the New Year eve

I know this post is a little late in getting posted. I hope Indian Postal Services don't use the tag line

we get you the post faster than I-m-mortal

I know it is a nice way to show people your blogger profile(and your profile pic), especially when your "About me" column doesn't appear on the top of the blog's home page(okay! you don't need to click on this link, it will not get you to any better place... and yeah it is true for the previous link too).

But I am not supposed to be blamed for getting that thing fixed. I have used a new template, in which first four headers should actually club themselves together in a tab(like 4 post-it, one over the other). It happens sometimes on its own and sometimes many times it just displays them in a column pattern of excel- one below the other(please let me know what it displays to you a tabbed or a simple side bar), maybe it is also as moody as i am. After all it's my blog.

I am feeling I have not written a single thing regarding the title of the post. so first of all,

happy new year 2009

Different people have different attitudes towards the new year eve. I never happened to find out what difference does it make to one person on the evening before the new year that people everywhere are so much excited about it. is it that the moon comes that night with the disco light? or is it that the stars of that night stick to one place only all throughout the night? or that there is some imaginary real imaginary-real person(like Santa Claus) comes? none i suppose but then why so much heck about it?

Few days before the eve when you talk to someone on phone, after a few exchanges of words they will ask you "so, what's the plan for the new year eve?" and if by chance you say you have no plans, they will start suggesting, "why don't you come here?" or "you weren't like that before" or "plan something man, this is the time you can do these things"!!! WTF? if i needed to make a plan I would have done it much before your suggestion was required. and even if i have made all plans i don't see the need to let you know the plan until i intend to join you or i intend you to join me.

Moreover, it is the time, when you miss your friends the most as for any plans you make you require a good company/group(solitudes skip the last line or the whole paragraphs, as you wish). I think that is why people started this celebration, that those who have no friends to party or to plan anything should feel disgusted all for the night watching the same moon and the moving stars(Relative movement).

The eve was long and i didn't spend it doing any of the above said things and had my own plans, which i don't intend to write here. One thing is sure that whether you plan or you don't the night just passes the way you want it to, making a happy end to the year, like in the bollywood movies.

The Time that's gone

A flash player. It's Adobe Flash Player or even better, better than any player available and there is a flash file being played, don't know what the creator of the file had named it, may be "Don’t worry It happens to everyone, to you too". There are pictures, hazaar of them, there are videos having people moving things here or there, there are abrupt changes from one slide to another. I feel this was the life I had spent, more than this I feel I want to spend that life again, again all throughout my life.

I don’t know whether something of this sort had happened to you or anyone, but it keeps happening to me. I keep catching the glimpse of the time that I have spent. I think this is some kind of a disease I am having, as the Dyslexia Ishaan had in TZP, (you don’t think it’s same? This way it will sound same: he was a normal child but only some tuning of brain was required). I have the similar case or maybe not. It has prolonged so much that the condition is now out of control.

The above mentioned sequence often used to cover my sight whenever I used to take a break and sit( or stand(or walk(or lay down)))(3 closing braces required!!! Lemme check! Yeah.) idle (uff... it doesn’t give continuity... please read sit as sit/stand/walk/lay down)... so I write it again.... The above mentioned sequence often used to cover my sight whenever I used to take a break and sit idle. I see myself moving in the streets of Basvangudi (FYI, location of my first rented flat in Bangalore) or eating in the restaurants of Indiranagar, or buying popcorns in the theatres of Kota, or staring the cemented basketball court of DPS Adityapuram while my teacher is scolding me or banging ceramic cups with friends in room no 61 of my college. There was time I often used to live in the past and come back to the present. But now, things are getting worse. I often find myself living in present while I am still living in my past.

My ignorance had mended the way for the disease to grow more than I ever expected. Now I see the images everywhere, every time and in everything I do, whether I ride on bike, whether I type this or that, whether I listen to music (music is one big player in it... I don’t know how this thing works but even sound of a string makes me nostalgic of the old times) , whether I jump into an old friends profile, whether I read scrap conversation of two people or whether I see myself in the mirror. The frequency has just got higher and still raising high.

I thought writing this would help me but... but it has made it worse. What do I do? I want to be normal, enjoy my present as I enjoyed my past. I don’t want to regret later in life to have missed this time. Am I not happy with my life that I am remembering those days of my life, but I remember all days, both good and bad ones? Or is it that I want to make amendments in my past life to make all those days to good ones. But the reasons are not the issue here. Or maybe they are, as I want to destroy the reasons from the root. I am confused. I should not write more... it’s a bad thing to show everyone you are confused. I am not writing further, but I am still writing. It should not end abruptly, but this is how things are in reality and so is this post, ending....

Vending Machine

Proud and Close association with the vending machines in the pantry. Dreams of time when the day start, and the dreams of dreams when it falls. I stay near the vending machine, making the hustling sound as though it's brewing the coffee fresh, but still I know its just the powdered coffee and the creamer it mixes to give me that hot cup of coffee.

Through the sound of that pretentious brewing coffee, a herd of thoughts passes through my mind. Capturing one and capturing other followed by capturing the one I had just left. The one minute wait at the coffee vending machine makes me think of the thousands catch, the one or those I am sure to forget as soon as I reach my desk and power up my monitor.

It is just for the matter of fact that I think of the meeting in the room alone with the girl in that room locked but still not so locked. The way she looked, the smile she bore but still I was so unsure to say yes or no.

Through the same sound I think of calling an old friend of mine, who was in college with me. Though not prepared for any exam with her, I have definitely revised all my subject with her before exams. She complains of me forgetting her, but there were very few in college I spent time with.

In that pretentitious sound I think of the girl I always think of calling up, but never get courage to do so. At the same time I think that I had been thinking a lot over the girls in my life and try thinking of something else, realizing I forgot to think about the girl from the school or the girl in the neighbourhood and many more.

The coffee is ready and then I pick the cup thinking I need to take serious decision in my life... stop doing things those harm me or cost me a little high, start things I had been planning to do.
Everything after I finish this cup of coffee.

Soon I get back to the machine... the same cofffee vending machine, rushing through all the thoughts I just dumped in the trash with the cup of coffee I just finished, thinking on my way I also need to cut down on my coffee, but realizing soon that this vending machine is the best friend I have got in the office, whom I visit the most often, standing next to which I take many decision, staying around this machine I clear my doubts, hence trashing the idea of chopping the number of coffee off.

So I am just going back to meet my friend... thinking tough on thinking something new this time.

Feels good to

come back to the same routine.
Yes now I am back to the same fun life of Bangalore.
May of 2007 is one period, which I will forget after forgetting my name. I was so excited with my trip back home and it turned out to be equally repulsive. Apparently after reaching back to Bangalore the tune of bad news didn't fade off.
Firstly I learnt that the QEA nite party is already thrown and icing on the cake, it was thrown at the Taj. And I broke my bike's mudguard... and there are so many more..
I am still waiting for the more bad news to come. truely... I am waiting and I am all ready to tackle them.

But on an all I am happy to be back to the place I was missing all these days.

I wanna go home...

... but it’s raining outside... so I thought why not to write a blog. Though I can go home even if its raining… and it’s already too late, but the person with me is against it… and now that he has gone to ease himself, I am doing just what I had been thinking to do since more than 4 hours… write the blog and yes, my iTunes is awake again.

uh!!! I don't have any topic to write on, despite the fact that I had been thinking to write one since long… hmmm… well why not lets discuss the day that just flew away.

It had been a very very bad day, tiring and full of failures. There was no power when I realized mosquitoes buzzing into my ears continuously early in the morning. The day started with such a great negative energy that even that I reached office quite early, I had not been able to fix one problem till lunch. And impressingly, I haven’t done anything other than that.

Well the day was actually full of problems. Things which were running like Mercedes stopped working at all… and 4 person around me pointing it out, making me feel bad… finally one comes to me to console me and tells me “whatever u do, never attach your sentiments with it. Failures are bound to occur… just tell people you will fix it and things are fine again.” I seriously liked the idea.

And see what! at the end of day I am happy, smiling without any reasons(though my cell is completely discharged and i don't have a charger here at office) may be because of the small lesson I learnt today, but one thing is continuously distracting me… when will the rain stop?

“DOING NOTHING”

It wasn’t that easy to do what we say “doing nothing”.

Whenever I started doing most of the things in life, I considered myself not enough qualified to do them. But for the first time, I succeeded locating something which, I felt, “suits me”… perfectly my kinda work… “doing nothing” is undoubtedly doing nothing.

“doing nothing” is my new project… my new work… The requirements were clear… indeed very clear. I had to come to my desk… sit for hours… and “do nothing”. Looked very alluring, easy-going. It required no particular domain knowledge, no technical wisdom, no communication skills, and no creativity. What it required was just kill-the-time-without-doing-anything certification.

I was sure I had all the traits for the post… and was somehow OKAY with being a part of the “doing nothing” team.

But then the strive for the work began. Initially it all went smooth. No work no cry. I used to carry the I-have-no-work smile on my face. But gradually “doing nothing” that fascinated me… though slightly, but I admit, it did fascinate me… turned into an albatross. The no-work had so much of load in itself that no work can match up to it.

It isn’t that easy to do what we say “doing nothing”.

People started considering me good-for-nothing figure… for that matter, I myself, considered me as one. My I-have-no-work grin moved to Why-don’t-I-have-work grimace.

But now I think… were the requirements really clear? They weren’t. there were assumptions I had made. I built my own castle on the swamp. And now I know it had to knock down. It was never told I had to do nothing. My team wasn’t named “doing nothing”, not either my project was, and not even my work was to “do nothing”.

It was my perception that I had just one work… “doing nothing”, but I could never realize that “doing nothing” is impossible to do. All these time, pretending doing nothing, I crushed my capabilities. Instead of enhancing my skills, I allowed them to rust.

However, now my Why-don't-I-have-work frown turned into I-work-without-any-work energy 'cuz when I was supposedly “doing nothing”, I had done a lot… I had learnt a lot… and now I feel I have written a lot… and you have read a lot… but remember…

It will never be that easy to do what we say “doing nothing”.

IS THIS?

Beyond the extremities,
Afore the foundations,
Revealing my curiosities,
Coining my assumptions.

I searched for my bliss,
And found my misery,
I explored for my aspiration,
And discovered my desertion.

Was it the way or the course,
I was searching them?
Or was it my doom
That brought me the unasked?

During these years of my life,
I modeled many relationships
With my sorrows and grieves,
With my solitary and my dreams.

I live in that social order
Which I created myself,
Though I didn’t intend to
But still I inhabit it.

Is it for my creeds
That I do not amend?
Or is it my hopes
That deteriorates me?

In this uphill struggle,
I bank on my immortal beliefs,
Which give me nothing
More than the deceiving pursues.

I doubt on me when
Others confide in me,
I appraise me when
Others repudiate me.

Is this the query I pose,
That leads me to the Deceptions?
Or is this the answer I provide,
That shapes my uncertain existence?