For my Ma and Pa.

I have been wondering a lot on how should i be starting this post... and finally i decided to start it the way of showing you that i am not able to find a good starting.

Well, after i shifted back to my home town and left my office and joined my family business, i have become real irregular in writing new posts... and whatever i say to make myself motivating, it won't be much of help and i will write only when i will be(and that would really be rare)

Anyways, a few days back my elder brother and his wife happened to see a complete fall of moon from "full" to "new" in Kerala. yeah they went out on a trip, a long awaited by both of them.

As i had been recently to Kerala(around 7 months back) with my wife, i was handed the responsibility of making the bookings and arranging for tickets, taxi and hotels.
I, happily did that.

My brother has a child 15months old. As there were plans for them to go on beaches, houseboats and all, i succeeded in conveying them to keep the child with us, with me and my wife taking care of her. It was much tougher than it sounded when i said them and it turned out it to be more disheartening than what i expected(i expected none). I though we would get more close to the child.

She used to play all day with her grandparents(obviously dude.... my mom and dad) but in night she used to share our room. The very first day her parents left, she fell sick with puking all night. it was terrible.

She used to blossom in day with all the fun filled play, but as the sun used to sink behind the hill, har face used to carry a sorrow filled expression. She showed so clearly that she was missing her parents. Seeing her in the nights had become so difficult for me, and we were not even in a condition to tell her parents of that... we never wanted to ruin their trip.

The pinch on the bruise was that she never happened to come to me. She remained all night in the laps of my wife, she used to move her body away when i used to take out my hands to her to hold her and make her sleep. I don't know if she heard me planning for her parents' trip sometime, or she knew it was me who had made all the bookings and all the plans to keep her away from her parents. i felt disgusting of myself.

I have not yet let my brother and his wife let know of her behaviour, but deep inside me i feel the pain she was carrying from being away from her parents. I would never ever do to anyone what i did to her.. though it was for her parents' goodness... to enjoy the trip, i made them let the kid be at home.

I now, however, love the relationship a kid share with its mom and with its dad, and the way they love their kid. This is the greatest of God's gift to us for having parents to love us, tender us, help us, fight us and care for them. deveryone shows their gratitude in a way or other. i love my parents and would always do that.

The Order of Ordering

Have you ever made an announcement for the people in your world, may be, say, on a blog to mention each person's name whomsoever you miss.

How difficult would it have been for you to mention whose name first, whose second, and next and next... so on? There is not just one person the most important. and if there is, (in my sense which is a hypothetical situation) you can't let the second most important person feel bad for being second.

So what should one do in such a case? Hmmm... pathetic situation na!!

I felt the depth of the problem when i was making the list of invitees for the wedding. i know i would write the name as in when they will come to my mind... like first come(to my mind) first(on the list) basis. i continued the same, then one day, i found myself messed up in a soup. I felt the urge of cross checking with few of my friends to avoid someone being left out. But then i realized what would the friend think seeing his name at the middle of somewhere.

Fortunately, i came out of that mess, for which I would thank few things:

the person who introduced the alphabetic order arrangement,

my school where our names in the register were also arranged in alphabetic order and

microsoft office excel, which automatically did that for me.

Besides, the above mentioned use, I would mention that arranging in that order also helped me avoid repeated invites to the same person.

With this I would thank all my friends who read, comment, encourage me to write my blog and encourage more to continue writing such things.

Heena, Aakash, Aswin, Aniruddha, Charu, Easwar, Neha, Saurav, Sunil, Urmila, etc. are to name a few.

T&C: All above mentioned are true to the best of my knowledge. Even the alphabetical order mentioned is correct to the best of my knowledge. For any disputes, feel free to comment, however, please note that the decision by the blog-owner would be the final one and unchallengable in any court of/Outside India.

The Me and the Selves

I had been missing myself all these days, I don't know since when but may be from the time I had been blogging, or from the time I had started to work on a live project, which soon became dead¹, or before I became an earning member of my family², or before I started my graduation, or much before that. I really dont know when but evidently I had been loosing myself, the self I used to admire, the one I used to be proud of, the me I used to call as a person.

It happened with the must of time, through the mist of the thoughts, in the midst of myself. I, many-a-time, think that why I consider myself as singular, when I know I am not one, I am many self, I am the one which has many lookalike, seen just one at a time, with one stream of thought, with one self. But truely its one only for others, I am having all my guises lying deep within me, murmuring constantly to the one the others can see.

Within different parts of time, I have grown many myselves, which are cluttered in my mind, in my solicitude, in my tranquility. I had a scintilla of God in me, and I realised at the same time I was the residence of the Evil too. Both of them had gradually evolved³ and have given me these reflections with various blends.

I might also defend it to the change in the thinking capability of my mind which has given birth to all these ownshooks, but is it truely the creation of my mind solely? I pullulate many questions in my mind giving it a new shape everytime in search of the answer, landing it with a new question and a new self.

These figures have become immortals, a permanent company for me. All of myselves walk on the same legs but follow different paths, all of me see through the same eyes, but see different images, all of us stay in the same mind, minding each others' parts. I want these ghosts to walk out of me, my life, but they will always be there, annoying me at happy times, and making me more sad in the bad times.

I carry my blank face when I want to dump them in the ocean but they bring the smile on my face for no resons, for no good. And then I pray to Him, May the Evil in me always remain!Amen!

---

1 please don't curse me for it as I used to do, for I overheard someone saying that only 20% of the work we do, releases, on an avg. I don't know how true is this but one thing I am sure of is that I no longer feel guilty for it.^back

2 well, though I am saying that I became the earning member of my family. I truely and purely earn for myself. {smiles}^back

3 I am sure, the God evolved long before the Evil planned to reside in me. But I was the one who was enlightening the passage for the Evil to dwell in me, thinking the God is unaware of it. I was lured, and if I think hard I had no other options to grow to where I am right now, I had to let the Evil be part of my thoughts, my talks, my actions... my life.^back